You see, this one big lie is actually a bunch of little lies that, for a variety of spiritual, mental, and hormonal reasons, are sucking the joy right out of me. I feel like my mind and heart are constantly being bombarded with a millions thoughts:
- You're not blogging enough.
- You should be exercising more.
- You haven't taught Little Girl sign language.
- You aren't cooking enough.
- You should manage the money better.
- You're not a good wife.
- Your boss isn't happy with you.
- Your house is dusty.
- You haven't had your quiet time.
- You need to water your flowers more.
- You haven't lost enough weight.
- And on, and on, and on, and on....
And it call culminates into a single, awful thought - "I'm a failure."
I know it's not true. I know the Lord has forgiven me and no longer sees my imperfections. I know that my husband, daughter, and family aren't judging me. But, I can't seem to stop judging myself.
I know the typical Christian response and encouragement for this - I've given the same advice to others. I know that hormones are primarily driving these feelings- they'll be easing up soon. And, I know, as my loving husband would say, I'm just being silly.
But more than anything, I'd just like to know that other women do this too. That I'm not a horrible person and horrible Christian for feeling this way. That I'm not the only one who feels like their mask is slipping.
Those are a lot of thoughts I deal with every day too! What's sad is that I'd never think that of you or anyone I'd know, but how quick and easy to think that of myself. This is where putting on the new identity, having realistic and practical expectations of yourself, celebrating the victories (no matter how small) and responding to areas as chances to grow become not just important, but essential. God's not disappointed in you. God's not disappointed in me. We have to firmly hold to that truth, even when feelings aren't there.
ReplyDeleteThat is very true, Kristen. Living by faith and truth, not feelings, is so important...yet so hard, especially for women, I think.
DeleteHey girl...
ReplyDeleteLet me tell you all these thoughts I have had and sooo many more. I would say I let them start to control me and I let them speak way louder than any truth and it led me to depression, which was really scary. Being a new mom, or a mom in general is super hard and I for one let everyone else's opinions enter my head more then they should. Through a long period of depression I have come to realize that I am much more ungracious to myself than God is with me. Yes, we need to do all those things, but we won't always..and that is ok...we are learning and we can't do everything perfect all the time. We need to give ourselves a break, especially when we know we are pushed to our limits...even if its just being mentally tired. You are constantly needed and teaching your precious one, that is a huge job and takes a lot of energy. The fact you care at all is proof you are a good mom, I have no doubt. All this long post to say, you aren't alone..and be gracious to yourself!
It does definitely help me get in the right frame of mind when I consider all the grace God has shown me. Then I can more easily show myself grace, and realize that I'm not failing. Being a mom has certainly pushed me to my limits, which is where the tiredness and emotions set in, making all my worries even worse. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone, Ashley!
DeleteFriend,
ReplyDeleteI hear you! No, I am not a mom but the waterfall of "failures" still pound down on me from time to time. May you be encouraged to press through the emotions and cling to truth- easier said than done though, I know. The Lord created us to have emotions and He also gave us His truth to help us when we feel overwhelmed. I'm right there with ya girl!
Hugs,
Mel